To whom do I belong? To God or to the world? The many daily concerns lead me to believe that I belong more to the world than to God. With the slightest criticism, I become angry and with the slightest rejection, I become depressed. At the same time, I go around asking: do you love me? Do you really love me? The world says: “Yes, I love you; yes, you are handsome and intelligent and enjoy good health; yes, you are well-educated and have a good job and good friends. I love you if you produce much, if you consume much, if you sell much”. These endless “yes’s” hidden in the love that the world bestows upon me, enslave me because it is impossible to respond in a correct manner to all of these with a love that is and that will always be conditioned, a love that leaves me “hooked” on the world, trying, failing, trying anew. This is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers me will never satisfy the deepest yearnings of my heart.
Suddenly I came to a clearer understanding of the road that I had chosen and where all of this was leading me. I understood that I had opted for death and I knew that one more step in that direction would lead to self-destruction. At that critical moment my option for life was the result of rediscovering my real self and experiencing God sustaining my life day after day after day. This God is not only Father, but is Father and Mother and it was this same God that touched my shoulders, one shoulder with a masculine hand and the other shoulder with a feminine hand. This God sustains me and embraces me, assures me and counsels me. There is no doubt that this God, in whom resides the fullness of femininity masculinity and the fullness of maternity and paternity … this God is present to me. Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you. See, upon the palm of me hands I have written your name (Isaiah 49:15-16).
I am convinced that many of my emotional problems would disappear if I would only allow the maternal love of God to touch my heart. God continually searches for me, trying to find me, wanting to bring me into his house. If I were truly aware of the fact that God is trying to find me, trying to know me and trying to love me, then the question is not “how can I find God? but “how can I allow God to find me?” … the question is not “how am I going to know God?” but “how am I going to allow God to know me?” … the question is not “how am I going to love God?” but “how am I going to allows God to love me?”
Now I begin to realize the radical change that my spiritual journey would undergo if I would stop viewing God as someone who is hidden from me and/or someone who makes it difficult for me to find him but rather see God as someone who is looking for me at the same time that I am trying to hide from God. Would it not be good to allow God to rejoice in finding me and in leading me to his house and then together we could celebrate my return with the angels? Would it not be good to allow God to smile and provide God with an opportunity to find me and love me? In other words, the focus of my spiritual struggle revolves around the concept that I have of myself … can I accept the fact that I am worthy of having God seek for me? Do I really believe that God wants to be with me?
I hope that pray that in the very depths of your being you will not only discover the child who has strayed, but will also find the compassionate mother and father who is God.
FRENCH SPEAKING VOLUNTEER